The First Half of Something REAL

Sigh! I always start with the best intentions! I will write a journal entry at least once a week! I start strong and then...

      Ugh. I am lame. The prompts for the Journal 52 weren't speaking to me. The truth is that I write best when I hear something in my own heart that sends my fingers flying over the keyboard.

I met with my Nursing advisor today. She was not what I would call a "spitfire", Awkward is a word I might use. The good news is that she told me nothing shocking as regards the number of classes that I need in order to begin my program in the fall. The bad? Well, it's gonna take 3 years to get that BSN. No way, it seems that I'm getting out faster.

I find that TOTALLY unacceptable. I have two degrees already. A BS from FSU and a Masters from SUNY Binghamton. Can't we count some of that toward this? No? Oh, well, ok. I guess that I'll be checking those squares off because my soul can't STAY IN THE FIRE SERVICE for more than I have to. I promise that I'll be talking to God alot for the next three years. I'll be praying for grace, patience and the ability to trust him. I have a bad track record of ignoring his voice when he speaks calmly to me. The goal now is to genuinely lean into his embrace so that I can make it through all of this intact.

Daily dose of Dexter

LOOK AT MAH LEGS....

Letting Go and Flying

This weekend I had an experience that I've never had before. Getting off work Sunday morning I walked out into the cold knowing only 2 things. First, I was determined to run 8 miles, and second that I was going to put my sweet husband first for once and sneak home earlier than expected to get some cuddle time in.

I headed up to park my car and mouthed a silent word of thanks to God for the sunrise that was blazing across the morning sky in shades of pink and purple that no photograph can ever seem to capture properly.

 I pounded pavement for an hour and fifteen then headed over to the gym to train back and shoulders. Already, a perfect morning for me! Sometime after the pull-ups and the Arnold presses and the music in my ears driving me hard, a feeling washed over me that I am still, three days later, struggling to express without feeling really lame. It was like an endorphin rush only better.

Out of nowhere I saw myself, really saw ME. Looking in that gym mirror I suddenly found myself overwhelmed by a sense of peace, gratitude, pride and joy about WHO I am, WHERE I am and WHAT I am doing with my life. It was as if God said, "Enough, woman. I'm tired of you filtering your view of yourself through what you aren't, where you THINK you should be and the expectations of some invisible "they"."

     You know what? It was glorious. It was the most freeing feeling that I have ever had in my life, and as silly as it sounds I will do anything that I can to maintain or strive for that level of freedom for the rest of my life. That's the voice of God. That's the heavenly father looking at me and letting me see me how he sees me, how my husband sees me, how I SHOULD see me. That's what we all should experience. Instead of always looking to the media or other external sources I would pray that all of the people I love could see themselves as they truly are.

God doesn't make junk. He just doesn't. Armed with that knowledge has had me flying high ever since Sunday morning!

As for the rest of the day? It was just as big a gift. We had lunch with at Mom's with my Step-dad, Brother and sister in law that lead to my SIL and I signing up for aerial silks (more later!).  We FINALLY bottled our beer. 

And the best part? I ended the day in the arms of the man that I love, slow dancing in the kitchen to our song while I sang in his ear and when I kissed him there were tears in his eyes. This is what happens when we let love in. This is what happens when GOD takes control of our hearts. This is why I'm grateful. I am learning how to fly.

Life Keeps Rolling On

This weekend the Mr., the Miss and I ventured into Jackson, MS to witness one of the biggest events in my young nephew's life- his Bar Mitzvah. 

I, for one, was headed into uncharted territory, having never attended one these events but I understood its importance. This was a celebration of my young nephew passing into young-adulthood. He was the first nephew born into our family and his arrival to a large degree marked the first sign that adulthood for all us kids had arrived. It doesn't seem possible that 13 years have come and gone, yet here we are.

I was proud of him this weekend. He's lived so little. He's seen so little. But this weekend before the parties commenced he led the services in Hebrew with poise and grace. His speech was clever, witty and well delivered. When he's had a little more life under his belt I imagine he will be even better with a crowd. During his party he acted the most like a teenager I'd seen yet. 

When my sister and I threatened to dance with him he gave us the most withering expression and headed off to another region of the dance floor to boogie with his buddies.

We're the old folks now. We all want to dance with the kids but we're somewhere between reckless youth and too self conscious old folks. We laugh when we realize how long its been since we felt like he does. Time passes so quickly. Blink once and you'll miss it all. Suddenly, I feel like I can't get enough of it with my nieces and nephews. I love them all. I'm a lucky aunt and I'm proud to call them mine.

A world of possibility is mine

Running through the woods this morning it was 18 degrees and breezy. These are the sort of conditions that allow the part of me that desperately needs to be seen as a hardass to smile ear to ear. 

At the same time, I found myself feeling incredibly disconcerted. There was no reason for it this morning. My client session at 7:30 had gone great. I saw a friend of mine in the gym who I'm relieved is back to working out. I slept through the night and yet there it is again- discomfort. This concept of "just being", what does it mean to me really?

I'm an adventurer, a singer, an athlete, a dancer. My realtionship with my identity has been fraught with stress as long as I've been a conscious being. This idea that we should always strive for this Zen-like ideal of being strikes me a ever more unrealistic. Further I find the idea exhausting the older I get.  

I think that's because I've missed the point all this time! What if "just being" has less to do with serenity and more to do with acceptance and love of the person I already am? I have a hunger for more that drives me forward constantly. What kind of things could I accomplish if I wasn't trying to damper that fire and ambition? Chances are if I fully embraced my intensity I'd find myself in places and situations only dreamt of before. 

When I look at it from that angle I don't find the pursuit of being quite as tedious! It seems joyous and full. Being seems like a virtuous and exciting goal that doesn't require stillness that the yogis would convince you it does. I am passionate about a million different things and certain about few.  I choose to love carefully and fully.  I want to try on all my dreams a while to see which ones feel like me. I will lift till I break, run till I reach the peak and stand at the corner of the universe holding hands with the man I love.

I'm learning to "be" and it's not a quiet act, and that's just fabulous with me!

But wait! That's not what I want!

Soccoro, NM

Life is meant to be lived. This idea that it's going to start when "x,y,z" happens bothers me. It always has. It seems to me that we're in it, I'm in it, and yet I continue to fall prey to this frustrating construct. There is so much that I want to accomplish in this life and my need to make certain that all factors line up exactly frequently stalls me, trips me up and drives me crazy. The stupidist part of this whole irritant is that I find myself mired down in the details without knowing it until I wake up stressed out, grumpy, sad and wondering why I feel like life is passing me by.

There's only one way to deal with this fact.  REMAIN vigilant! Stay aware! Constantly ask yourself what is really important to your life. I don't know that I've ever been able to answer that question until yesterday. I've never really felt like my gut was worthy of trusting. Suddenly, the thought of framing my choices and values against other's (re:my dad, family, friends...) is simply too exhausting to continue doing it. If I can't trust my own heart then what's the point. It all goes to support my original idea that this is my life, right now, not when, if, if only. 

This is a big huge world. I don't want or need a big house. In fact, if I'm honest, I don't NEED a house at all. I'd really be happy living in a big open loft space with an open kitchen, living space and 2 tiny bedrooms so that people can come over to drink wine and let me cook for them in our home. There is beauty to me in RENTING a place! There is infinite appeal to ME in not being tied to one place forever. 

                                    

(See, I want you to come have wine!!)

That leads me to one of the biggest reasons for the pursuit of nursing! As an aspiring opera star I knew that I'd be able to live anywhere on Earth. In every incarnation since, I've been tied to one place. I've discovered that I love the outdoors, that I need to spend hours each day in the fresh air, and that my favorite outdoor space is out West. 

 The Box. Just BEING here was liberating.

Nine to five is never going to work for me, but neither is 24/48. Nursing allows me to be out West.  It will allow me to work an odd, but open schedule. It pays enough that the part of me that NEEDS security and finances to someday retire can calm down and breathe. Additionally, as a nurse I have no option but to continually challenge my brain. I've learned that continual learning is vital to my sanity and peace.  Nursing is useful and important, and human beings need to feel like their work contributes something.

My marriage is important to me, too. He tries so hard to be tolerant of my constant need to push him out of his comfort zone. Though I know he'd be satisfied with his little space in the world, I trust that he loves the adventures that I push him into. It's important for me to see him take chances. We went into this marriage knowing that I wanted a partner in crime. Because he did too, I'm pretty certain that there are moments he feels like he's bitten off more than he can chew.  Still, we're pressing forward. 

This is one such adventure we enjoyed... Truly, he is the sexiest partner....EVER.

When the opportunities come I'm taking them. This is it. The performance is here. Dress rehearsal is over, and there are no second chance to get it right. Never forget that YOU define what "right" is. As I move confidently into this new year, I will be constantly reminding myself that our "right" is the only one that matters.  We have to live this life together on our own! Go. Do you.

You're welcome