The First Half of Something REAL

Sigh! I always start with the best intentions! I will write a journal entry at least once a week! I start strong and then...

      Ugh. I am lame. The prompts for the Journal 52 weren't speaking to me. The truth is that I write best when I hear something in my own heart that sends my fingers flying over the keyboard.

I met with my Nursing advisor today. She was not what I would call a "spitfire", Awkward is a word I might use. The good news is that she told me nothing shocking as regards the number of classes that I need in order to begin my program in the fall. The bad? Well, it's gonna take 3 years to get that BSN. No way, it seems that I'm getting out faster.

I find that TOTALLY unacceptable. I have two degrees already. A BS from FSU and a Masters from SUNY Binghamton. Can't we count some of that toward this? No? Oh, well, ok. I guess that I'll be checking those squares off because my soul can't STAY IN THE FIRE SERVICE for more than I have to. I promise that I'll be talking to God alot for the next three years. I'll be praying for grace, patience and the ability to trust him. I have a bad track record of ignoring his voice when he speaks calmly to me. The goal now is to genuinely lean into his embrace so that I can make it through all of this intact.

Letting Go and Flying

This weekend I had an experience that I've never had before. Getting off work Sunday morning I walked out into the cold knowing only 2 things. First, I was determined to run 8 miles, and second that I was going to put my sweet husband first for once and sneak home earlier than expected to get some cuddle time in.

I headed up to park my car and mouthed a silent word of thanks to God for the sunrise that was blazing across the morning sky in shades of pink and purple that no photograph can ever seem to capture properly.

 I pounded pavement for an hour and fifteen then headed over to the gym to train back and shoulders. Already, a perfect morning for me! Sometime after the pull-ups and the Arnold presses and the music in my ears driving me hard, a feeling washed over me that I am still, three days later, struggling to express without feeling really lame. It was like an endorphin rush only better.

Out of nowhere I saw myself, really saw ME. Looking in that gym mirror I suddenly found myself overwhelmed by a sense of peace, gratitude, pride and joy about WHO I am, WHERE I am and WHAT I am doing with my life. It was as if God said, "Enough, woman. I'm tired of you filtering your view of yourself through what you aren't, where you THINK you should be and the expectations of some invisible "they"."

     You know what? It was glorious. It was the most freeing feeling that I have ever had in my life, and as silly as it sounds I will do anything that I can to maintain or strive for that level of freedom for the rest of my life. That's the voice of God. That's the heavenly father looking at me and letting me see me how he sees me, how my husband sees me, how I SHOULD see me. That's what we all should experience. Instead of always looking to the media or other external sources I would pray that all of the people I love could see themselves as they truly are.

God doesn't make junk. He just doesn't. Armed with that knowledge has had me flying high ever since Sunday morning!

As for the rest of the day? It was just as big a gift. We had lunch with at Mom's with my Step-dad, Brother and sister in law that lead to my SIL and I signing up for aerial silks (more later!).  We FINALLY bottled our beer. 

And the best part? I ended the day in the arms of the man that I love, slow dancing in the kitchen to our song while I sang in his ear and when I kissed him there were tears in his eyes. This is what happens when we let love in. This is what happens when GOD takes control of our hearts. This is why I'm grateful. I am learning how to fly.

The Pathway

To start my year, I'm playing with a website called Journal52. Each week the site gives you a prompt that may help you to start writing. It seemed like a good idea as I've been spotty at best writing my blog.

This week the prompt was the pathway... It strikes a cord being that it's the beginning of a new year and my life for the last decade has been a circuitous path to say the very least. Lately, my path is more of a question. Who am I when there's no one telling me who I should be? What do I want for myself and how do I get that for the life that I want to live.

Standing in the shower this morning I started asking that question. It seems like too much time reading status updates or perusing Instagram makes me feel this weird anxiety about where I am in my life. Visiting with my dad seems to trigger these sudden feelings that I haven't done enough, achieved enough, lived enough, saved enough to be exceptional.  While I do agree that I'm not living the life that I had in mind when I set out I can't say that it's at all an unsatisfactory life. I've wasted a lot of time not enjoying the good things that are around me in this frantic, uncomfortable push to be more. What would happen if I stepped back and tried to enjoy the journey? Not just the process toward the next degree or next career, but the WHOLE picture, the little daily joys that go along with simply allowing myself to LIVE THIS life I'm in.  It wouldn't mean that I'd have to stop the pursuit of greatness that seems to be part of my blood and bones.  It would make me more pleasant to be around, though. It would give me the freedom to feel things and laugh easier.

One thing I can say for certain, is that I know there is room in my life for more joy. I know that my path forward absolutely must include less "should do's" and infinitely more "why nots!". Fear is crushing. Fear is like a special forces operator. It sneaks its way into my life and strangles my ability to just take risks. This path forward has to be more vigilant. This is the year that I want to learn to breathe again. I want to learn to love with my whole heart.  It's the year that I want MY passions to drive me, not my responsibility.  Ultimately, my path leads West and without learning to live free I fear that that path will slowly grow over.

                               

HAZMAT Tech reality...

Ebola.

It's everywhere right now, and for the first time since I joined the HAZMAT team I'm actually thinking about what I might be asked to do. When the first victims were brought back to the CDC in Atlanta for treatment a Pandora's box was cracked open.  Since then there have been cases in Dallas, Spain, and North Carolina.  Certain strains of this virus have a 70% fatality rate.

I know that when I signed on for this that I wanted to make a difference.  I wanted to help people in their worst moments of fear and illness. With the Ebola outbreak I may actually get that chance and I wish that I could say I was feeling gung-ho.  What I'm feeling is scared. I feel undereducated. Though I realize that treating someone with the virus would give me the chance to help someone when they are the MOST afraid I worry about what that could mean for my own well being.

There is so much living that I want to do. There are places I haven't been, things I haven't done, and things that I haven't said.  Wearing the appropriate protective gear is one thing, but it's in the removal that health care workers are getting sick.  I know that my training has taught me how to remove that gear. That should give me comfort... If God wants me I should be willing to go, but frankly, if I said I were then I'd be lying.

Still, I'm not writing this to say that I'm not willing to go.  I just need some place to express my fears. IF, and that's a really big IF, we get that call to go help someone with the Virus then I will. I'll volunteer to go in first, suit up and assess which ever patient needs my help. In the meantime, I'll be washing my hands, practicing my doffing procedures, memorizing the bleach solution mix method and hugging my husband extra hard before I leave for my station.

Trust the Process

As anyone who knows me is aware balance is NOT a skill that I have much of.  I have always  been an all or nothing kind of person.  In every arena, I give 110%.  Whether I'm pursuing a new hobby, training or having a good time there is very rarely middle ground.

With most things, this tendency has not had a negative impact on my life.  Quite often it's been the very reason I've succeeded.  My intensity made me a good student.  It has made me drive to always be better.  It kept me focused in the practice room in college when all the other college kids were drinking their lives away.  My drive to be perfect gives me an edge when it comes to completing tasks and reaching goals that I have set for myself.

On the other hand, my pursuit of perfection has fed a lifetime of neurosis, and the need to always work harder even when my body, spirit and mind are clearly NOT in the place to do so.  This neurosis has fueled my curiosity and my interest in sports nutrition.  I need to know how to fuel the demands that I place on my body, or at least, that's what I try to convince myself as I chew through research about macros.  More often than not my obsession is fueled by the voice in my head that tells me I'm not presenting the body that I think that I should to my clients and myself.  I don't "look the part", and I'm reading everything I can get my hands on so that I can restrict the diet that is supposed to fuel my ridiculous training schedule.

Happy Place Weight...But.. could be leaner...

I say all of this to shed light on the other reason that I started this blog.  I want my clients and anyone who stumbles upon this blog to see that trainers don't always trust the process that we ask you to.  This "whole 30" experiment was a test on me to find out if I could.  As it happens, I did, almost to a fault.  I'm proud of that fact, but I realize that my all or nothing attitude with it came at a cost to my training.  It crippled my running, and my recovery.  My cardio health faltered and my lifts dropped.  Additionally, my body comp has begun to change in ways that I'm not excited about.  BUT, I gave it the 30 days.  I trusted a process, even if it wasnt' the one I should've.  Going forward, I'll be continuing to stumble through the process of gaining balance between my training and my diet, my trainer persona and the human who loves to entertain, and my spirit and my lizard brain.   I'll be trying to feed my body what it needs 90% of the time, and what my mind wants 10%, so I can recomp properly.  I'll be trying to train, so that I am as fit, strong and lean as I NEED to be for me, without over doing it and wearing myself down.

Thank you to anyone who reads this blog, and has a comment or two.  If it strikes a cord, I'm glad, but most of all I'm thankful I am still trying, at least, to trust the process.

Creamy Chicken Tomato Soup- 6 month anniversary!

Friday was Mr. Bean and my 6 month anniversary.  Neither of us could believe how quickly it had gone by.  I find that marriage is the one thing that all of us are lied to the most about in the grand scheme of life.  We're sold a bill of goods that love and marriage go hand in hand, that they're glorious, and lovely, and never messy.  Then you get married!  I know he would agree that the first three months after our honeymoon were the hardest of our relationship so far.  So, when Friday came, and we realized that the battles had seemingly disappeared as we settled into each other it really DID seem like a reason to celebrate!

My heart felt like it would explode that day!

I find so much comfort knowing he's in my life.  My happy place is a quiet morning drinking coffee with him, kisses when he leaves for work, and BIG hugs when he comes home.  I'm content, and that is something that I've looked for all my life.  He's my anchor.  He gives me purpose, and I love him and the life we're fighting to build everyday!

That's why we started the Whole 30 to begin with.  I'm determined to have him healthy for a really long time, because we got started late in this thing called married life!  Sadly, we haven't stuck to the Whole 30 for 30 days.  Still, it's not a loss.  I'd frame our progress, especially his, as a success.  We needed more discipline at home, and on the weekends, and he needed a much more healthy awareness of how to feed his body for health and wellness, instead of purely for sport.  In that we've been successful.  I've given up artificial sweeteners, and wheat.  I've cut out dairy, and starches, and I'm getting better at eating healthy fats.  He's reading labels, and has begun to think before he eats.  So, where are we in it?

For us, the Paleo Diet is about 80% of what we want to do when we're at home.  The 20% that's left allows me to eat my oats, and have a little wine on the weekends, while making me slow up a bit.  I couldn't run train like I need to for marathons and lifting with only fruit and fat to fuel me. I bonked all the time.  That 20% modification will give me some room to fuel properly.  It allows him to have a baguette on a Saturday with his eggs if that's what he wants or pasta instead of spaghetti squash.  After all, he's not the one with the wheat issue.  For me, it leaves me feeling foggy and hungover- no more, thanks very much!

This recipe is one that follows the Paleo Weekday, at home diet we are adopting.  It was absolutely delicious, and like my favorite recipes, easy!  Feel free to modify the veggies you include.

Creamy Chicken and Tomato Soup:
Serves 8

Ingredients:
14.5 oz Can Fire Roasted Tomatoes
14.5 oz can tomato Sauce
6 oz can, no sugar added tomato paste
14.5 oz can Coconut Milk
2 lbs boneless, chicken breast
1 Onion, sliced
1 Zucchini, sliced
1.5 cups baby carrots
4 cloves garlic, minced
1 T Italian Seasoning
10 oz bag baby Spinach
Salt and Pepper to taste

Method:
In your slow cooker arrange chicken.  Season with salt and Pepper.  Add tomatoes, sauce, paste and coconut milk.  Mix together well.  Add sliced onion, garlic, Carrot, Zucchini and Italian Seasoning.  Cook on the low setting for 8 hours (give or take)

After cooking, remove chicken breasts from the liquid, and shred well.  Place back in the stew with the bag of baby spinach, and cover until the spinach is wilted.  Taste for seasoning, and adjust salt and pepper as needed. *If you find it's too soupy, and you want to thicken it to a more "stew like" consistency add 1 T of coconut flour and combine well.  Allow it to do it's thing, and in 5 minutes it'll be perfectly thick.