The Pathway

To start my year, I'm playing with a website called Journal52. Each week the site gives you a prompt that may help you to start writing. It seemed like a good idea as I've been spotty at best writing my blog.

This week the prompt was the pathway... It strikes a cord being that it's the beginning of a new year and my life for the last decade has been a circuitous path to say the very least. Lately, my path is more of a question. Who am I when there's no one telling me who I should be? What do I want for myself and how do I get that for the life that I want to live.

Standing in the shower this morning I started asking that question. It seems like too much time reading status updates or perusing Instagram makes me feel this weird anxiety about where I am in my life. Visiting with my dad seems to trigger these sudden feelings that I haven't done enough, achieved enough, lived enough, saved enough to be exceptional.  While I do agree that I'm not living the life that I had in mind when I set out I can't say that it's at all an unsatisfactory life. I've wasted a lot of time not enjoying the good things that are around me in this frantic, uncomfortable push to be more. What would happen if I stepped back and tried to enjoy the journey? Not just the process toward the next degree or next career, but the WHOLE picture, the little daily joys that go along with simply allowing myself to LIVE THIS life I'm in.  It wouldn't mean that I'd have to stop the pursuit of greatness that seems to be part of my blood and bones.  It would make me more pleasant to be around, though. It would give me the freedom to feel things and laugh easier.

One thing I can say for certain, is that I know there is room in my life for more joy. I know that my path forward absolutely must include less "should do's" and infinitely more "why nots!". Fear is crushing. Fear is like a special forces operator. It sneaks its way into my life and strangles my ability to just take risks. This path forward has to be more vigilant. This is the year that I want to learn to breathe again. I want to learn to love with my whole heart.  It's the year that I want MY passions to drive me, not my responsibility.  Ultimately, my path leads West and without learning to live free I fear that that path will slowly grow over.