But wait! That's not what I want!

Soccoro, NM

Life is meant to be lived. This idea that it's going to start when "x,y,z" happens bothers me. It always has. It seems to me that we're in it, I'm in it, and yet I continue to fall prey to this frustrating construct. There is so much that I want to accomplish in this life and my need to make certain that all factors line up exactly frequently stalls me, trips me up and drives me crazy. The stupidist part of this whole irritant is that I find myself mired down in the details without knowing it until I wake up stressed out, grumpy, sad and wondering why I feel like life is passing me by.

There's only one way to deal with this fact.  REMAIN vigilant! Stay aware! Constantly ask yourself what is really important to your life. I don't know that I've ever been able to answer that question until yesterday. I've never really felt like my gut was worthy of trusting. Suddenly, the thought of framing my choices and values against other's (re:my dad, family, friends...) is simply too exhausting to continue doing it. If I can't trust my own heart then what's the point. It all goes to support my original idea that this is my life, right now, not when, if, if only. 

This is a big huge world. I don't want or need a big house. In fact, if I'm honest, I don't NEED a house at all. I'd really be happy living in a big open loft space with an open kitchen, living space and 2 tiny bedrooms so that people can come over to drink wine and let me cook for them in our home. There is beauty to me in RENTING a place! There is infinite appeal to ME in not being tied to one place forever. 

                                    

(See, I want you to come have wine!!)

That leads me to one of the biggest reasons for the pursuit of nursing! As an aspiring opera star I knew that I'd be able to live anywhere on Earth. In every incarnation since, I've been tied to one place. I've discovered that I love the outdoors, that I need to spend hours each day in the fresh air, and that my favorite outdoor space is out West. 

 The Box. Just BEING here was liberating.

Nine to five is never going to work for me, but neither is 24/48. Nursing allows me to be out West.  It will allow me to work an odd, but open schedule. It pays enough that the part of me that NEEDS security and finances to someday retire can calm down and breathe. Additionally, as a nurse I have no option but to continually challenge my brain. I've learned that continual learning is vital to my sanity and peace.  Nursing is useful and important, and human beings need to feel like their work contributes something.

My marriage is important to me, too. He tries so hard to be tolerant of my constant need to push him out of his comfort zone. Though I know he'd be satisfied with his little space in the world, I trust that he loves the adventures that I push him into. It's important for me to see him take chances. We went into this marriage knowing that I wanted a partner in crime. Because he did too, I'm pretty certain that there are moments he feels like he's bitten off more than he can chew.  Still, we're pressing forward. 

This is one such adventure we enjoyed... Truly, he is the sexiest partner....EVER.

When the opportunities come I'm taking them. This is it. The performance is here. Dress rehearsal is over, and there are no second chance to get it right. Never forget that YOU define what "right" is. As I move confidently into this new year, I will be constantly reminding myself that our "right" is the only one that matters.  We have to live this life together on our own! Go. Do you.